Headlines 002

Headlines can be so amusing. These are not headlines intended for humor. Far From it! These are all taken from the CNN main list of the day’s news. Some are not really news at all, some are poorly worded (to say the least), and some are just plain stupid. I keep a text file on my desktop so that I can document these little gems, and when I get enough saved up, I’ll bring you the next installment.

Review: Coin-size phone – When you clicked on it, this actually led to a review of a Samsung Bluetooth headset, written by someone who obviously could not be bothered to actually read the article. Dear CNN: A headset does not usually contain the telephone. Perhaps in due time, but not right now.

Ticker: ‘Harry met Sally’ director picks Clinton – Well, gosh, I wonder which Clinton was picked? And I wonder whether the selected Clinton is going to play Sally or Harry? In some cases, it could go either way. What is it that makes this person think that making a movie turns you into a political guru? It doesn’t, dim-bulb.

‘Person of interest’ in named child sex assault – That may be “named in,” oh ignorant writer of headlines. Where do they get these people? It took them a couple of hours to fix this particular blunder. They could at least try to get the serious news right.

Navarrette: Minority friction a waste of energy – Worse, Mr. Navarette, undiscriminating apologist for all things Latino, is a waste of space, which by far trumps being a waste of energy. Our Latino population deserves far better than this guy.

Video: Di’s driver not outwardly drunk – I don’t suppose it matters if he was outwardly drunk; it’s the inward part of being drunk, especially in the brain, that causes the problems. And who the hell cares at this point? The woman is long dead. Do they have to dig people out of the grave every few months just to sell soap? CNN is turning into a large collection of grave-robbing money-grubbers. Please present news, not years-old soap operas.

Ticker: Mrs. Thompson: I am no ‘trophy wife’ – If Mrs. Thompson is a trophy wife, Fred must have come in somewhere in the middle of the field. She’s not particularly attractive and she certainly is no mental giant. I wonder what contest he lost? I mean, before this one?

Pilot survives crash, gets engaged – This would only be news if he didn’t survive and got engaged, and then only in that macabre sort of way so loved by the media. Perhaps aerial necrophilia would at least be interesting to someone. This is not, at least not outside the immediate family. This fellow had a life before he crashed, and will have one after he is crashed. Neither, as far as I can tell, are particularly newsworthy.

Sinead O’Connor to Oprah: I feel for Britney – Once again, not news. It’s just more gossip to sell more soap. If Oprah was who she tries occasionally to be, she wouldn’t get involved in crap like this. Instead, I fear that this sort of crap represents exactly who she is. She is usually just Jerry Springer in a nicer dress.

Rebels seize habitat for endangered gorillas – Isn’t that going backwards down the evolutionary chain? Shouldn’t they consider occupying a city or something?

U.S. military looking at alternatives to Turkey – Would chicken do, or maybe squab?

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