Headlines sometimes just crack me up. These are not headlines from The Onion, or anything like that. These are all taken from CNN, and from their main list of the day’s news to boot. Some are not really news at all, some are poorly worded (to say the least), and some are just plain stupid. This is just for openers. I keep a text file on my desktop so that I can document these puppies, and when I get enough saved up, I’ll bring you the next installment.

CNN observes secret nuclear mission – If CNN is observing it, how secret can it really be? Surely the Russians or the Chinese can whip together some phony press credentials, and make the party less secret yet.

‘I saw passengers engulfed in fire’ – That happens when an airplane lands badly. I wonder if they could find anything more gruesome as a draw into the story? The news media sells more misery than they need to. Can’t a person just burn in peace any more?

Survivors recount Thai jet crash – They didn’t expect the passengers that died to talk about it, did they? I have to wonder if they just hire people off the street to wander in and write headlines.

Baggy pants crackdown goes national – The use of “baggy pants” and “crack” on the same sentence is at least a triple entendre, but I’m still counting.

Man puts rattlesnake in mouth, gets bitten – And the news here is? “There are seven million stupid Americans. This is just one of them.” My apologies to the Naked City for the liberties taken with your tagline.

Oprah asks Justin about Britney – I repeat, this is a headline from the front page of CNN. It relates no news, just gossip about three people who are meaningless in terms of real life. Oprah may have a couple of redeeming characteristics besides self-promotion; the other two do not. Who the hell cares?

‘Leave Britney alone’ guy hoping for TV stardom – Is there really anybody out there who cares about this kind of useless crap? And if they do, why? Are their lives so useless and mundane that they have to sneak peeks at the freaks to get along? Learn to read, then read a book.

Court to consider lethal injection, voter ID – I wonder if, under The Bush / Cheney administration, having one of the latter (especially as a non-Republican) will get you the former?